I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I party with great urgency now.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
