I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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