at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
