Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
