I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
