I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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