just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
jump out the window naked night went bad
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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