the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
