chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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