The best revenge is premature balding
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
