Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize