Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
