she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
