Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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