do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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