i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
