So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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