remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
