I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
