I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
