I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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