Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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