You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
