Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
