Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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