HIV tests are more positive than that guy
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
