I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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