I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
