god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
