We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
