normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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