She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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