i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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