is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
