I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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