woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
