I swear she didn't look like that last week.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
