i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
