omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
porn star boner night. come get it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
