i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
