if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
