She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
