I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
