first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
