I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize