We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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