Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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