The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
