you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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