I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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