If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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