She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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