As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
