dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
