I didn't shave. On purpose
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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