I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
