I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
