the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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