Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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