tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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